In the last seven years, I have evolved from a helicopter mom to a borderline tiger mom to a free range mom (I have my own definition of free range here). I hate to label myself but I can’t deny that over time I did fall in these categories. Looking back, I have been thinking why and what made me behave in a certain way.
I had quit my corporate job to raise my son. It was a conscious decision as I didn’t have family support and I wasn’t ok leaving him with a house help. And they say that the first 5 years is the most crucial time in terms of development. I also wanted my son to be able to express everything to me without any fear.
When he was a baby I let him experiment, I gave him support but let him try. He was free. But in his toddler years I became a bit over protective and was hovering over him all the time. I was constantly ensuring that everything happens in order and on time. I started helping him with everything. I lived by the book. I made him do a lot of stuff which I thought is important for his development even though he rejected it. I went through serious separation anxiety when he started play school. Helicopter parenting is said to be symptomatic. I now realise that probably I was somewhere trying to justify and over compensate for my not “working”. I didn’t think that looking after my child and house 24/7 was good enough so I ended up putting in more energies (even if it killed me physically) on my son.
However, I’m glad that I never gave in to the demand of an iPad and ensured he plays in the mud and gets wet in the rain without the fear of his falling sick.
On the face of it, I was doing everything right (or so I thought) but something wasn’t right.
When Kabir was 4, I enrolled him for Kumon – English and Maths and ensured he does his worksheets everyday, even if it was very frustrating for him and for me. He was learning fast for sure but the joy that should come with it was missing. It used to leave us sulking and cranky.
I enrolled him for skating and football by the time he was 5. Even though he hadn’t displayed much interest in either. Apart from Sundays, he didn’t have time for much free play left. School – activity – homework – one hour of play time – sleep, was the routine of a 5 year old! On certain days he used to be excited but on most days I had to drag him.
Around the same time, I happened to read the controversial book “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” . I didn’t agree with the book one bit. I hated it. But wasn’t I doing the same? As per the author of the book a child will never reach his/her full potential if we don’t push enough, punish them and be strict. But at what cost?
By being a disciplinarian, I was robbing him the joy of being a child. Of freely running around without a care in the world. At one point I felt I was taking away that twinkle from his eyes. I spent many sleepless nights.
There is a Parle G ad jingle that captures the essence of “letting your child be” so beautifully.
Roko mat, toko mat, nikalney do paav, joorabey bahut hai;
Kitaabon ke baahar, kitabein bahut hai….
It struck a chord.
I have realised now that he has to learn and become his own man through his experiences and not mine. To me free range doesn’t mean forcing a child to become independent when he’s not prepared. It means letting him develop at his own pace. It means not forcing anything on the child at all. It means unrestricted free play. To me it means parenting from a slight distance and instilling the right values at the same time. And to let the child make his own choices. I noticed a drastic change when I consciously adopted this style. He started expressing himself by drawing comic strips which he used to be conscious about in the past. His is a world made of scary dinosaurs, pokemons, silly aliens, funny boys/girls, weird minecraft characters, dragons, sports car and legos.
Parenting is the toughest job in the world, it’s tougher when you are constantly bombarded with what-to-do and what-not-to-do, what’s-good-for-your-child and what’s-not. It’s tough to not get carried away when a lot of children around are being measured on how well they can skate, play football, play an instrument, top in Kumon/Abacus and in turn that becomes the definition of successful/good parenting.
But aren’t we happiest being ourselves, when we truly love ourselves? Then why can’t we let our children be. As parents, we should follow our instincts and not confuse our instincts with what everyone is saying/doing around us. Honestly, I haven’t felt greater joy than letting my son be himself.
28 Comments
Very insightful and well written. Love your pictures in this one.
The ”aha” moment may not come to everyone as it did to you in form of an ad but if one puts their child first, it does come eventually. Contrary to my SAHM mom image (always putting up my daughter’s pics on fb)..i quite believe in “your kind of” free range parenting. There are certain non negotiable things but there r loads of flexible things. Free play is something i have always believed in. To fill up child’s plate upto the brim and not leave any room does not make sense to me neither does pushing them ahead of their own schedule read kumon…although i have been tempted to do so many time. I think u r right sometimes we try to overcompensate for being SAHM maybe at the cost of the child. But in all my years of being a parent, i have learnt one thing – to never judge another parent’s parenting skill and style and also that the child’s success and failure espcially success is not a reflection of our own capabilities and performance . Everyone is doing their best …working, tiger, helicopter…I am very happy for Kabir to hv such an awesome mom like u!
Shweta thank you…The other realisation was when I started home baking. Kabir loved my creations and proud of them but he didn’t like that I was not there for him at his beck and call. And I agree all parents want the best and do their best.
Wonderful article on your ‘self discovery’ as a loving mum and how much ‘external influences and peer pressure’ mould our perceptions of how to behave in bringing up children.
It’s a pity we parents (Mums & Dads) only learn these things after going through it all.
I believe that Children should live within the ‘boundaries’ we set to protect them, however these boundaries should be flexible & we should never be frightened to let them develop and learn in their own way through experience & discovery – it helps them become confident in their lives and better rounded people.
IMHO ‘Cotton Wool’ Parenting restricts the development of Kids from the realities and pleasures of everyday life in playing, learning & growing up in this world.
Kids are not Commodities and Parental Trophys based on how well they do in education & sport etc.
Tendency is for Parents to wear their kids’ achievements like a ‘badge of honour’ & forget what having kids is all about!
Let their spirits be free!
Touche Mark! I’m glad I learned it early on
I have always believed in one thing “Raising kids is not hard but raising them right is” We all have a different definition of “right” but as long as I can teach Amara to love herself and others for who they are, I am happy! My husband and I never impose anything on her and she can be Elsa one day and Spider-Man on the other. We just want her to be able to express exactly what she feels and that to me is the “right” parenting. ❤️
What a beautiful thought Pooja!
Hey Anypriya fantastic write up…I have seen you going through each phase … And indeed this is a heartfelt message. Loved it…
Thanks 🙂
Once again you show a mirror to your reader.
Insightful writing that not only impresses the mind but also touches the heart.
I was a hard core Tiger Dad for a few years and had I continued that way, my son would never have blossomed into the man that he eventually has become.
Thanks for such beautiful writing.
Ravi once again thank you.
Very nicely described. Am sure it’s the toughest part….. To let go…. Specially for Moms.
Thanks Nitin, yes it’s definitely tougher on moms.
Hey Anupriya, very well written article . Loved it.. Me mother of two kids can very well relate to it. I also left my job at one point of time and was behaving very differently after that and was putting too much pressure on the kids. After some time I realised that let them live their own life and I should I live my life at my own terms . I joined my job once again and thing changed drastically after that. Me and my kids regained our happiness.. Letting go is very important. …
Hey Deepa, thank you. Absolutely, agree.
It’s an excellent article Anupriya. Kabir is a fortunate lad to have a mom like you. I am sure that the transition must not have been easy but I am glad it came and it made you happier seeing Kabir happy 🙂
Love it!!! I have also over the years realized it’s ok if my kids are not in an activity everyday of the week. I find they learn and express more. They get more family time… but you penned this theory beautifully Anu!
WONDERFUL PIECE OF WRITING
Anupriya
This was such a beautiful post, resonates every bit with what I have been feeling as well.. We are living a life, of which a substantial amount is virtual/ on the net, which sometimes overrides our base instincts..
Thank you Radhika for sharing your views 🙂
very well put!
Beautiful post Anupriya, loved every bit of it.
Thanks so much Prerna 🙂
This is so true anupriya!!very well written.It was my mom’s wish that I become an engineer and I did become one and pursuing it as a career.But I am not that happy…eeeshh I hope my mom doesn’t read this.
But what I vowed myself the day my little one came into this world,that I’ll not do what my mom did.
In other words I love my mom a lot ,but I don’t want to be like her.
I hope you get what I am trying to say.Most people if they were to read this would say that how can I write such stuff for my mother ,but it’s not what it looks like,I mean I am and will be indebted to my mom because she is the one who is looking after my baby girl.
Thanks,
Udita
This is so true anupriya!!very well written.It was my mom’s wish that I become an engineer and I did become one and pursuing it as a career.But I am not that happy…eeeshh I hope my mom doesn’t read this.
But what I vowed myself the day my little one came into this world,that I’ll not do what my mom did.
In other words I love my mom a lot ,but I don’t want to be like her.
I hope you get what I am trying to say.Most people if they were to read this would say that how can I write such stuff for my mother ,but it’s not what it looks like,I mean I am and will be indebted to my mom because she is the one who is looking after my baby girl.
Thanks,
Udita
this is a blog post to be read by all the parents. I consider myself being one of them. I totally agree with you and will try not to become so.
Thank you so much 🙂
So insightful!!!! you have articulated the parenting skills so beautifully, I really enjoyed, reading it . Hope it reaches to many of them out there.