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Mom on the Run

Battling anxiety

For the soul, well being - Anupriya kapur - October 14, 2019

For more than two months now, I have been battling severe anxiety for various personal and work related reasons. Despite having dealt with post partum depression, I was yet again deeply ashamed of how I was feeling and internalised the whole thing. It took me a while to understand what was happening even though I found myself crying most of the time and stopped going to Crossfit, which I love to bits and is one thing that usually sorts my head. 


If I was to describe simply how my days have been, it would be good and bad days. On bad days, I find myself holed up in my room, not leaving my bed, avoiding phone calls, crouching, crying and in pain. It would also involve me hiding from my dad and son so that they don’t see me in this state. And then there are good days. Those are the days I squeeze in all the work possibly I can (because I know it might not last), pay my bills, take my son out and meet friends. There have also been several days when I have dressed up to step out but some kind of unexplained fear takes over and I just end up crying myself to sleep.


I refused therapy because just like during my post partum depression I know if I’m deeply aware, I will figure a way out. The awareness comes from the fact that depression runs in my family and I know how it looks. And today as I watched this Ted Talk shared by a friend on FB by Johann Hari, it made complete sense. To quote him “Your depression is a signal. It’s telling you something. The very first step is we have to stop insulting these signals by saying they’re a sign of weakness, or madness or purely biological, except for a tiny number of people. We need to start listening to these signals, because they’re telling us something we really need to hear. It’s only when we truly listen to these signals, and we honor these signals and respect these signals that we’re going to begin to see the liberating, nourishing, deeper solutions.”

Of course, I realised that I need to do something to get out of it but I wasn’t able to think. I wasn’t able to think because I was distracting myself away from the problem by binge watching Netflix, being excessively on social media, eating and drinking erratically. Also, it’s easier to fool myself that way as my work involves using a lot of social media. Basically, I have been ignoring the signals.


I have been taking it one day at a time and however, anxious things, surroundings and people make me, – 
1) I push myself to go to Crossfit even though I cry at times during my workouts. Sharing my anxiety with my instructor helps and being regular has started making me feel better. 

2) I can’t sit through 20 mins yet of meditation so I play Tibetan Bowls meditation. I can’t reiterate more that it always helps.

3) During the time the meditation music plays, I get answers to some of my questions. 

4) I have identified some of the triggers and I am approaching them very gingerly. Tackling them slowly.

I started out my blog and Instagram because I wanted to help others and somewhere I got really busy. Single motherhood might look like fun but it hasn’t been easy despite the support I get from my dad. Start up life might look like something to aspire for but trust me it takes a toll on you. And somehow in being consumed to make a living, it started eating me up that I’m not adding any value to either my life or anyone else’s life. And this thought started clawing me from the inside. The Ted Talk made it very clear to me today that my anxiety is giving me a signal. I haven’t found any answers yet. May be I need deeper connections, I need to start writing again and let myself be loved.  

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6 Comments

  • Ritu Saket Verma October 16, 2019 at 6:24 pm

    No wonder we all love you so much! You are true, you are real..your posts feels like talking to a friend. We all feel the similar kind of emotions at some point of time and we again bounce back. When I start feeling very low 1) I try to do small things which I have never done before and believe me there are plenty of small joys which we haven’t tried before like milking a cow. 2. I try to contribute some time for any cause. You are amazing generally most of us are lazy in commenting on posts but that doesn’t means we love you any less! Keep Inspiring!!

    Reply
  • Upama Saha October 16, 2019 at 7:17 pm

    Dearest Anu you know what I absolutely understand. Despite being on meds their are days where my depression and mentally health isn’t the best. Those are the days I do exactly what you have written about listen to your brain. Take things one thing at a time

    Reply
  • Shreyasi October 16, 2019 at 8:16 pm

    And so is the reason we love you… You have inspired so many… All good wishes to you.. More power to you

    Reply
  • Lopamudra Singh Samant October 17, 2019 at 7:59 am

    Currently I am going through the lowest phase of my life and this blog post came as a savior to me.. Definitely, I am gonna work on my signals and I will make sure to conquer the battle of my anxiety.. Thank you for sharing your journey, I am sure, it will help many people who have been going through the same phase..

    Reply
  • Vaidehi October 23, 2019 at 11:31 pm

    Anu,

    I am a single Mom too and I battle anxiety issues everyday too! So I know exactly what you mean by good and bad days! I know the anxious fear of the unknown sinking in my stomach giving me goosebumps to get through just the day. Keep writing, so that you can keep inspiring people like me. Most important thing I wanted to let you know is, it’s not like you are not making a difference to anyone’s life (like you said in this post), you just made a difference in my life by being extremely real!

    Love,

    Vaidehi

    Reply
  • sudhir February 18, 2020 at 4:43 pm

    Hello Anupriya,

    Your blog relates to every bit of what I’m feeling as of now. The feeling to me comes from other reason though. What makes me feel guilty is my family suffers because of such state of mind. To help myself, would you be kind enough to share the link of Tibetan music that you spoke about in the blog?

    Reply
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