When I became a mother 8 years back, it was a validation of my existence. It was as if I got to justify my right to occupy space on this earth in that very moment. And I lost myself in motherhood. The best way to describe it would be that I started “decaying in the gentle state of happiness” (quote borrowed from my favourite book). The only thing was that I wasn’t happy. I was making myself believe that I was. This realisation made me restless and I didn’t know what to do. To a lot of people, my life might have even seemed ideal. But I was being pulled in to a deep dark hole of misery and self pity. And I started finding comfort there. I saw myself as completely worthless once my son started spending more time in school and the park. I became extremely negative and didn’t think I was capable of anything including being a good mother.
Running saved me a lot of times but an injury took that away from me (for a few months) and that’s when I hit rock bottom. I realised that my home baking venture which had started as love for baking turned into waiting for appreciation from others. So when anyone smirked at my idea of baking as a business, it deeply affected me. I had never believed in New Year resolutions till then and was one of those people who make light of it. But two years back on this day, I decided that the only way to save myself was to turn my life around. I didn’t share my resolve with anyone as I was scared of being made fun of. No one took me seriously in any case. I was supposed to be this happy-go-lucky person with whom nothing could ever go wrong and could never be lost. It was a tough call to give up baking. I started meditating at home for 20 minutes on my own every day (Pranic Healing). I used to think meditation is a fancy thing rich people did. I don’t think I have ever been more wrong about anything in my life. I started forgiving people and myself for everything wrong that had happened in the past. I cried a whole lot. But I felt strangely light. It’s tough to describe that feeling unless you go through it yourself. I started looking at myself and situations more objectively, became less critical of myself and prepared to fail.
Around that time, I also started my blog with the hope of inspiring women like me to do something for themselves and to save themselves. The blog got noticed in more than one way and I started getting a bit of content writing work. It is a constant struggle to write when you are low but I didn’t want to give up this time, this was my only chance. I started receiving mails/messages from a lot of people(men and women both) that my blog is inspiring them to take up fitness/running and to revive their passion, which inspired me further to keep at it. I also realised that with so much happening I started to become a more understanding mother. And now all I want for my son is to feel loved and create his own journey.
In 2015, I got a lot of content writing work, I blogged more frequently, took good care of my son, have done several races (injury free!) – 2 full marathons, several half marathons, several 10kms, paced at Bengaluru marathon and my blog got covered in a national daily 🙂
I might not have achieved anything significant but enough to keep me going. At times, I feel a strong pull to go back in to the dark hole and trust me it’s very tempting but I have managed to kick its butt on most occasions and will continue to do so. But it all started with one resolution on a cold winter evening and some very supportive people.
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19 Comments
Brilliant !! Self realisation via meditation and unconditional forgiveness leads to complete healing.
Keep writing and healing others too !!
Awesome 🙂
Wow!!!this makes me give u a huge round of applause…. I know the feeling u are talking about….keep writing…..I am inspired.
You never cease to amaze me. Rising and falling is all a part of life. But when you hit the nadir and bounce back is what builds life’s experiences 🙂
#KeepWriting #KeepInspiring Anupriya.
You are an inspiration! God bless
Way to go. Nicely written. Cheers and keep inspiring!
Anupriya….you have always had the twinkle in your eyes . Your story is an inspiration to many and glad to see that you have not allowed the daily nuances of life narrow down your dreams. Keep running and definitely keep writing.
I love that your writing is so casualy expressed. Makes it very relatable for us readers.
PS: Glad to know you’re a Pranic Healer as well 🙂
It takes immense courage to bare your soul..kudos to you girl! loved the blog..can relate to every bit of it..thanks for inspiring me..needed it badly
Hey Anu,have always looked forward to reading your blogs
It reflects your beautiful soul just like your bright smile.
Wish you immense happiness and bountiful strength always ….
Cheers!!
Kas
Must I state the obvious yet again.
Great Going! Keep going.
Do you even remember what it is to stop? Hehe.
May you and through you us mortals have a wonerous year and more.
wow… this is inspiring…Guess all of us understand the dark hole…… I feel it now healing from an ankle injury.
Ur blog came at the most appropriate time for me…… it just felt that u r talking to me. Thanks anu
Self actualisation…. Truly motivating.
i just read this…..and i feel every struggle is worth sharing and worth writing and worth reading. You have no idea how many you may have inspired. I am inspired! 🙂
So very proud of u n blessed to have known u❤️…U r brilliant ….is all I can say!!
Inspired by every blog of yours!!!
true! I was one of those who was inspired by you to pick up jogging 🙂
Introspection is the best healer
Your posts are inspirational as always. Keep writing.
Just loved reading the post… i keep coming back to your posts and blogs time and again but they are timeless because even if you wrote this few years ago, it feels like the situation is something that is very present and exists in our daily lives!! Im deeply inspired by you… keep going and keep living this beautiful life you gorgeous soul. Love Deenaz