When I became a mother 8 years back, it was a validation of my existence. It was as if I got to justify my right to occupy space on this earth in that very moment. And I lost myself in motherhood. The best way to describe it would be that I started “decaying in the gentle state of happiness” (quote borrowed from my favourite book). The only thing was that I wasn’t happy. I was making myself believe that I was. This realisation made me restless and I didn’t know what to do. To a lot of people, my life might have even seemed ideal. But I was being pulled in to a deep dark hole of misery and self pity. And I started finding comfort there. I saw myself as completely worthless once my son started spending more time in school and the park. I became extremely negative and didn’t think I was capable of anything including being a good mother.
Running saved me a lot of times but an injury took that away from me (for a few months) and that’s when I hit rock bottom. I realised that my home baking venture which had started as love for baking turned into waiting for appreciation from others. So when anyone smirked at my idea of baking as a business, it deeply affected me. I had never believed in New Year resolutions till then and was one of those people who make light of it. But two years back on this day, I decided that the only way to save myself was to turn my life around. I didn’t share my resolve with anyone as I was scared of being made fun of. No one took me seriously in any case. I was supposed to be this happy-go-lucky person with whom nothing could ever go wrong and could never be lost. It was a tough call to give up baking. I started meditating at home for 20 minutes on my own every day (Pranic Healing). I used to think meditation is a fancy thing rich people did. I don’t think I have ever been more wrong about anything in my life. I started forgiving people and myself for everything wrong that had happened in the past. I cried a whole lot. But I felt strangely light. It’s tough to describe that feeling unless you go through it yourself. I started looking at myself and situations more objectively, became less critical of myself and prepared to fail.
Around that time, I also started my blog with the hope of inspiring women like me to do something for themselves and to save themselves. The blog got noticed in more than one way and I started getting a bit of content writing work. It is a constant struggle to write when you are low but I didn’t want to give up this time, this was my only chance. I started receiving mails/messages from a lot of people(men and women both) that my blog is inspiring them to take up fitness/running and to revive their passion, which inspired me further to keep at it. I also realised that with so much happening I started to become a more understanding mother. And now all I want for my son is to feel loved and create his own journey.
In 2015, I got a lot of content writing work, I blogged more frequently, took good care of my son, have done several races (injury free!) – 2 full marathons, several half marathons, several 10kms, paced at Bengaluru marathon and my blog got covered in a national daily 🙂
I might not have achieved anything significant but enough to keep me going. At times, I feel a strong pull to go back in to the dark hole and trust me it’s very tempting but I have managed to kick its butt on most occasions and will continue to do so. But it all started with one resolution on a cold winter evening and some very supportive people.
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