As mothers we are constantly berating ourselves for not being good enough and for not doing enough. And social media only makes it worse. It’s constantly bombarding us with family vacation pictures, outings, birthday party pictures and now mark sheets (thankfully I don’t have to deal with it yet). What we don’t see is how much time, effort, scolding it took to get the kids beach ready or how cranky the host got at the end of the party waiting for the last guests to leave. What we see instead is the proud smiles with the sand castle and a mom with perfectly done up hair and make-up with pretty pink balloons as the back drop. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it’s all fake but the fact remains that it’s not all perfect either. What we get to see is the filtered reality of other moms while experiencing our own unfiltered often frustrating reality.
I have learned it the hard way that like my child shouldn’t be forced to do anything or be someone he’s not, I shouldn’t try to force myself to be someone I’m not. I’m terrible at organising birthday parties. I get very jittery and nervous. But each and every year, on my son’s birthday, I tried. It always left me and my son exhausted (the pictures speak a different story, of course). He would be as overwhelmed as I would be. All I could think of was cosying up with him, wearing my pajamas, with a cup of coffee in my hands. I love my son to bits and want him to be happy on his birthday but now I realise there are many more ways of doing it rather than giving into what everyone else is doing. I don’t have to keep telling myself that I’m not being a good mother because I don’t know how not to be flustered with 20 children screaming around me and me failing to socialise with other moms with all the chaos around. It doesn’t make me a bad mother if I’m not able to socialise with other moms on play dates. I come from a small town upbringing and have always struggled with big city ways of socialising. But it’s ok to not conform and take a step back and question yourself as to what is controlling your actions.
I wonder what makes us take motherhood so seriously that we question, doubt, weigh even the smallest action and its impact. I’m shaping a life but in the process of trying to “fit in” and what is considered “good”, am I not forgetting to have fun with my son on these occasions and limiting my experiences by constantly trying to control it.
14 Comments
Couldnt agree more to what you’ve written Anupriya. Being a new mom I constantly face pressures to get my son upbeat with what other babies his age are doing eg. Potty training, the very fancy BLW , attending Gymboree etc…. Honestly I tried and then realized I was becoming a monster mom in trying to keep up so now I just do what suits me and my baby and am so much happier as a mom …. I’m sure I will succumb to the pressures of “fitting in” off & on but have learnt my lesson the hard way…. My baby , my way !
Couldn’t agree more. We all tend to give in to the need to fit in. Works for some but mostly does not work for most. Better to figure what makes you happy (though that also takes some serious doing ) and indulge in that.
I think the pressure comes from ourselves and other moms… No one really knows what to do.. So we tend to gloss over everything we do do to make it look like we do… I think if we talk about the process of doing things rather than simply showing the picture perfect out come it would actually help more moms!
Like moms who put up these great fun food recipes and outfits made from waste for completions .. I can’t help but think of all the stress of thinking of making these things the mum must have gone thru…. Just seeing th images stresses me out!!!!
Great article by the way 🙂
You have always been a thinking, discerning writer who examines the important issues of life and then expresses these in a manner that is most impressive.
My two cents on the subject :
a) Never compare the external story of someone’s life with the internal story of your life. The FB highlights of life is not the complete story.
b) If all of us only tried to fit in , there would be no progress in human life.
Thanks once again for a good piece .
Hi Anupriya, so totally empathise with your feelings and sentiments. Of course, I’m now a mom of young ladies who are married and are on their own. But, somehow, right from the outset, I’ve been against the concept of putting up my children on display. While other moms would go on and on goading their child to show off all his /her skills (reciting nursery rhymes, slokhas, identifying objects by their names) i refused to fall prey to this….. Why do i want to put my child under pressure to display her abilities?? I just wanted a normal childhood for them, being free of these shackles of proving themselves all the time and in the bargain if people thought my children were dumb or stupid, so be it. I didnt need to prove anything to anyone. Today my older daughter is a successful software engineer and my younger one is a brand manager in a big and famous online store and also a popular fashion blogger. I believe, to an extent, i have allowed them to grow up as they want to without any pressure of a *defined successful career ** option being thrust upon them. Its about time more and more moms think like you and take a step towards proving that your right
You are doing good job. Keep it up
You are not alone, I usually take a day off every now n then from motherhood! It helps immensely:-)
I agree and disagree 🙂 I agree on the pressure part but it will bother me only if Iet it bother me. Amara started walking very late but I never let the pressure bother me. Her doc said she was fine and that’s all I needed to know. Meanwhile, pictures and videos were being shared by others of their walking 9 months old kid and I was happy for them and I was happy for my kid who decided to take her own sweet time 🙂 After spending most of my life wondering what’s right or wrong and what others may be thinking, I guess I have just reached a point where no pressure from others affect me and I have never been happier 🙂
As for the happy pictures on FB, yes there are a lot of not so happy moments about those parties and vacations but then isn’t life all about focusing only on the good and happy moments? Unlike many others, I absolutely love hosting parties and all the work that goes behind it. Is it easy? No. Do I have frustrating moments? Hell yes lol but I just want to remember how I everything turned out, how happy everyone was and how fun those couple of hours were. Love how you shared your honest opinion … Keep it up!
I can so relate to the pressures that your talking about. Whether it’s outlandish birthdays here in Gurgaon, or kids churning out 10/10 results. Moms driving their kids to all kinds of classes all over the place. I aim to bring up normal happy children so stick to what you believe in, don’t be hard on yourself and ignore the social media hype.
Anu, I agree with the getting overwhelmed part…but you didn’t say if your son has told you explicitly that he doesn’t want you to host a big birthday party with his friends. I too feel overwhelmed with these parties like you do but since our kids ask us to celebrate it that way, we do it. But we only do it the way they want it done…if they want a tattoo artist, we have him over, if its a magician one year, so be it. We also realized that we may want the food menu to be elaborate and all, but at the end of the day, kids just love a slice of pizza, some pasta, a sandwich and some chips, and some drinks to go with it…everything else is a don’t care for them. Our kids have explicitly told us they don’t us hosting their parties at Pizza hut or McD or some such place as they’ve realized attending such parties that its space and time limited and they insist we host theirs at the clubhouse…they love the open space inside and outside (after the party). So while you may not want to try to fit in, you don’t want to be selfish to do your own thing either. Listen to your kid. Its THEIR all important day. That’s my 2 cents!
Totally agree with you on this .. Especially the bday piece and the socialising bit .. Tried my hand at both and failed miserably or let’s say I figured out it wasn’t for me ..my son is six now and a great child and my learning so far is to do what is comfortable than what’s trendy ..
Very rightly written. ..like for all other things, there is nothing right or wrong in motherhood too. What’s right for you and your kid might sound absurd to others. I have realised to each their own, with the focus on bringing up a happy child who is independent and enjoys life.
Anupriya — All your parenting articles are well thought out. I can totally relate myself being there in all these situations. Transition from tiger mom and helicopter mom (as you humorously put it) to letting-go mom in one of your other article — not giving up to the pressures of social norms to do what makes you and your baby happy, feels good to read all these …Keep writing !
Very well expressed! The mark-sheet post part blew me away I mean seriously????? Guess we are living in a world where everyone is out there thriving on accomplishments and posts are a way of getting a “certification” from others- our parents have always been so calm about bringing us up – and I guess that’s one of the reason they are less stressful and we grew up working hard to impress them and not others!!